A Lovely Little Game at Christmas Time

It was a sweet start to Christmas Day,

Warm wishes passed round and Santa came to play.

The turkey roasted beautifully, glistening and brown,

Happily the family ate, wearing paper crowns.

After, the obligatory post-food Christmas slump,

Feeling quite contented, if not a little plump.

But hold your horses… Christmas is never quite the same,

Until someone calls it… Yes! It’s time for a family game!

AND BAM! Just like that, all love has vanished,

Politeness, manners, niceties – all of these are banished.

Great Aunty Sue – always so calm and in control,

Has turned bright red, shows us the devil in her soul.

And as for Uncle Bob, who usually silently just sits,

He’s now screaming at his team mates, “You great bunch of twits!”

Neighbour Anne popped round. She always seemed so nice,

But apparently she’s a demon when given a set of dice.

I tell you though, the worst of all is Grandma in her chair,

She’s disowned her son, smashed her Zimmer and pulled out chunks of hair!

What is Life About?

Must you get a sensible job?

Clean the bathtub, clean your clothes, clean your body toe to top?

 

Need you fastidiously eat five fruit and veg a day?

Be polite, toe the line, say the things you ought to say?

 

Settle down, earn your money to buy a four-bed house?

Find a partner, a suitable match, an approved-of spouse?

 

Join a health club, exercise daily at the gym?

…

Or can we throw the book out, break the rules and go out on a whim?

No Cycling

Today I was not allowed to cycle.

The cycle pump was taking the Michael.

Not a peddle here,

Or a gear change there.

Oh no, today I was not to cycle.

Who Turned Out the Light?

The cold has come

He’s stolen the light

Now there is no sun

And it’s mostly night

He also brought rain

And many a cloud

It is affecting one’s brain

Winter shouldn’t be allowed.

Definitely Team Nerd

There comes a time at secondary school,

When you realise you’ve joined Team Nerd, or Team Cool.

It’s not something you choose or a decision you make,

Nor something you can change, or crack, or break.

It’s just a natural occurrence, there is no other way,

But you figure it will change after your last school day.

 

At my school the hat sorted me in to the house of Team Geek,

Wearing ankle biters on day one, my future looked quite bleak.

And to boot, a size fourteen blazer that could’ve fit full-grown men,

A sad tale, as I’m now 30 and still no bigger than a ten.

The good part about being Team Nerd was I could do whatever I chose,

Unlike my ‘cool’ counterparts, who had to follow whatever goes.

 

And so I left secondary allowed to move on and just be me,

But alas, with no street cred from the ‘cooler’ powers that be.

I was allowed the Beatles and Pink Floyd as part of geeky heaven,

While the ‘cool dudes’ had Blink 182 or the cheesy S Club 7!

Leaving school on that last day, I thought I’d start anew,

I thought I’d aim high, start again and join the ‘cooler crew’.

 

Today I’m in my 30’s and things have changed a lot,

But this afternoon I realised that one thing’s changed not a jot.

I went for a walk with my parents on a lovely winter’s day,

I wore my anorak, my backpack and took a flask along the way.

For Christmas, I’d asked for binoculars, with which to see the birds,

And as I sat down in the bird hide, I realised I’m definitely still Team Nerd.

Is There Something On My Face?

Off I go down the lane,

Smelling sweet morning rain;

The shower’d been reviving,

Breakfast? – Energising!

Off to work nearly skipping,

Today could be rather thrilling;

 

‘Til you notice a lady,

Gazing at you all shady;

Then another wide-eyed stare,

Had I forgotten to brush my hair?

And what is he pointing at?

I’m really not that fat!

 

Starting to feel a bit like a freak…

Uh oh! … I’ve still got slippers on my feet!

Is It So Great Being Human?

What would it be like to be a tiny vulnerable little bird?

Is it a never-ending game of hiding from frightful noises heard?

 

Might it be fun to be superior and regal like a cat?

Or through all the naps do they calorie-count, it’s so easy to put on fat?

 

I wonder if it’s a tall order being the size of a giraffe?

And whether their gracelessness they loathe as others look on and start to laugh?

 

What of the poor old wolf who everyone thinks looks terribly frightening?

Is he actually scared of dark, spiders, loneliness and lightning?

 

What of the crazy crab who walks sideways all along?

Going forwards is far easier, does he know yet that he’s wrong?

 

But actually when I think about it, who am I to judge their ways?

Having all their skills together would really brighten up my days…

 

Imagine how great to be a soaring feathery bird,

To drop on Mr Nasty a smelly, dirty little turd!

 

It must be rather nice to be a superior regal cat,

To have people waiting on you at the first drop of a hat!

 

What about being a giraffe, not only are you tall,

But sampling ice creams with a tongue like that must be the best skill of all!

 

And whilst we think of food, we’ll think of wolfy in his pack,

What could be better than being so scary, you can choose your favourite snack!

 

And finally – we questioned his walk – crusty crab under the sea,

But to breathe on land AND in the sea must be way better than being me!

The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword… So the Saying Goes

You might think I’d prefer the pen to the sword,

But in fact I know which I’d prefer in a war.

 

Let’s be honest if someone brandished a gun,

And you fought back with a marker, I can’t see the fun.

 

Or pointing at you was an RPG rocket,

You’re unlikely to flourish a pencil from your pocket.

 

If next to you lands a hard green grenade,

It’s not for a ballpoint that you’d recently prayed.

 

To be quite perfectly frank if there’s a torpedo nearby,

You’re not thinking of a biro, you’ve bigger fish to fry.

 

Now don’t get me wrong I adore the thought,

That merely through words, peace can be bought.

 

But I can’t hear Shakespeare mid-fight turn and say,

“Bring a quill, it’s my weapon of choice today!”

 

 

Weather Gods

What if weather gods really do exist;

Finding the odd hurricane too hard to resist?

 

Wandering down the street they SNEEZE and a cloud forms,

Cry, and entire countries are flooded by storms.

 

They meet someone happy and out comes the sun,

The weather reflected by them having their fun.

 

Sometimes they can’t help it, they make a blunder,

So for the folk below, beware of thunder!

 

They had a bad day and their maths exam they failed,

So for months and months it sleeted, snowed and hailed.

 

Imagine if someone really did control the weather…

I’d want to make sure he was always a happy fella!

 

 

The One the Career Advisor Never Mentioned

Run away and join the big top,

Make vexation and anxiety stop.

 

Swing on the trapeze high in the sky,

Let go, swoop, soar and fly.

 

Glide on the ribbons around and around,

Tumble back, down to the ground.

 

Spin and turn on roller skates,

In a circle, at fantastic rates.

 

I want to go and join the clown,

To turn my frown upside down!